Helping an Alcoholic Son / Daughter
Why your child's drinking might not look the way you expect
A lot of parents might not want to think about it but when the topic of children having problems with alcohol is brought up, the stereotypical scenes start playing in your head. Perhaps a teen coming home visibly drunk and sloppy or perhaps them getting into trouble with the law or others within the area. But in reality, a drinking problem in a young person can look far more ordinary than these scenes.
Your son or daughter might still be going to school or higher education and holding down responsibilities, while looking relatively normal. But underneath all this, alcoholism may have become their go-to response for when emotions become difficult to deal with or mental health conditions become too tough to put into words.
Essentially, alcohol could be a way for them to switch off from their daily struggles.
It could also be the case that they’ve been led down a dangerous experimentation path and not been able to find a way off that road.
The signs of alcoholism in your son or daughter are tough to spot, which is why identifying the key symptoms is the most important thing to do right now.
The signs of alcoholism that are easy to miss
You know your child better than anyone and in theory, that should make it easier to spot when something has changed in their world. But in reality, it can also work the other way. If you’re around them so much, changes could start to happen gradually and you adjust to the new version without fully understanding that something has changed.
Below, we look at the signs of a drinking problem in both adolescent children and adult children.
In adolescent son or daughters
With teenagers, the signs can weave into everyday life in ways that are easy to dismiss. Their grades might start dipping or they’ve moved away from friends they’ve had for years and started spending time with people you know nothing about.
You ask a simple question about where they were last night and the response feels disproportionately defensive.
On their own, any of these could be standard teenage behaviour but when they start clustering together, that’s when it’s worth paying closer attention. UK data shows that 40% of pupils aged 11 to 15 have reported having an alcoholic drink, which means exposure starts earlier than most parents assume.
The challenge here is that adolescence is already a period of boundary-pushing and mood swings. Separating normal developmental behaviour from something more concerning requires you to trust the instinct that something feels different from what you’d expect, even if you can’t quite pin down what it is.
In an adult son or daughter
When your child has moved out, the picture gets murkier because you’re no longer part of their daily routine. What you pick up on tends to come in fragments. Maybe they’ve been cancelling plans more than usual or the last couple of times you saw them, something felt slightly off in a way you couldn’t quite name.
You might hear them make a comment about needing a drink to get through the week and something about the way they say it doesn’t sit right. Or you notice they seem different after a couple of drinks compared to how they used to be.
It’s easy to talk yourself out of these observations but if that feeling keeps returning, it’s worth trusting it. You know your child, no matter what age they are and if something has changed, there’s usually a reason.
How to start the conversation with your son or daughter
This is one of the toughest spots to be in, in that you’ve identified a problem but now you need to speak with them about it. You’ve no idea what to expect or perhaps are not even sure how to start the conversation. Below, we focus on a few pointers that can help with starting and maintaining a constructive chat with your child.
Pick the right moment
If you bring this up after they’ve been drinking or in the middle of a disagreement about something else, the message won’t land. Wait until they’re sober, things are calm and you’re somewhere private where neither of you feels exposed.
Lead with what you've noticed, not what you've concluded
There’s a huge difference between “you need to stop drinking” and “I’ve noticed some changes in you lately and I’m worried.” The first one closes the conversation down but the second one keeps it open, because it’s coming from concern rather than accusation.
Listen more than you talk
Every instinct will push you toward explaining why this needs to change and that’s natural. But in this moment, letting your child talk without being interrupted can change the entire direction of things. A young person who feels heard is far more likely to come back to the conversation than one who feels they’ve been spoken at.
The goal of this first conversation isn’t to solve anything. It’s to make sure there can be a second one.
When it's time to look beyond what you can offer at home
There comes a point where your love and your presence, as important as they are, need professional support behind them. If your child’s drinking is escalating or if alcohol has started affecting their everyday life, those are signs that this has moved beyond what can be handled within the family.
It’s worth noting that professional help isn’t a last resort and instead, should be viewed as the logical next step when your child needs something more structured than a supportive home environment can provide. Framing it that way, both to yourself and to them, can make the idea feel less dramatic and more practical.
For children under 18, rehab options are more limited as most treatment centres work with adults. That said, your GP or a specialist service can point you toward appropriate support, so starting that conversation with a healthcare professional is a good first move.
Looking after yourself through this
It’s easy to become so focused on your child’s wellbeing that your own gets pushed to the side. But if you’re anxious or feeling as though you’re running on empty, your ability to support them effectively starts to erode.
Make sure that you actively try to seek your own kind of support. This could be something like speaking to a counsellor or simply being honest with someone you trust about what you’re going through. Having your own outlet matters as you need somewhere to process what’s happening.
Also, during all of this, make sure to still set boundaries without guilt. You can love your child completely and still recognise that there are limits to what you can absorb.
How The Providence Projects can help
If you’re worried about your son or daughter and you’re not sure what the right next step looks like, The Providence Projects can help you make sense of your alcohol treatment options.
When you reach out, our team will take the time to answer your questions and talk you through what’s available for you and your particular situation. Contact The Providence Projects today for a confidential conversation.
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If you are looking for rehab to take your, or a loved ones, life back from addiction, look no further than Providence Projects. Reach out to us today to find out how we can help you or a loved one achieve long-term recovery.
(Click here to see works cited)
- Wolitzky-Taylor, K., Bobova, L., Zinbarg, R. E., Mineka, S., & Craske, M. G. (2012). Longitudinal investigation of the impact of anxiety and mood disorders in adolescence on subsequent substance use disorder onset and vice versa. Addictive Behaviors, 37(8), 982–985. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.addbeh.2012.03.026
- Drink Aware. (2021). Underage drinking in the UK. Drinkaware.co.uk. https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/research/alcohol-facts-and-data/underage-drinking-uk